I have always been like this.

I have always known what I know.

I have never been better and I have never been worse.

I have not developed, I have not learned, I have not forgotten.

Not a thing.

It has always been here,

in me.


This is what I realize after one year of jetsetting,
speaking broken Spanish,

One year of laying tarot cards,
of choosing bach flowers,
of sharpening my intuitions,
of wrecking my nerves,
in helpless whirlpools of stress,
of running,
making it hard for myself,
aloneness and wanting.

One year of frenzy and fear – and clear and shining guidance from those above,
again and again,
always at my beck and call,
showering me with gifts,

while I bent under the weight I carried.
Such weight,
Such responsibility.

Such pain, such numbness.
Such a fight I have put up.

Afraid to let go, afraid to miss something
I finally let go
Of the treasure case I was clinging to in the ocean when the ship wrecked.

How high were the costs,
how gentle those who stood by me,
how cruel those who let me down,
how kind of them to let me down.
And I can

let go

(Land belongs to no one!)

I am whole

Rachel Selbach is practicing the art of losing, yet she keeps on wanting. She forgets and she remembers. The only thing worse than not getting what she wants is getting what she wants.

16 Responses

  1. Dear Rachel , Thank you for posting this beautiful feeling of the labyrinthine path of the heart. This really touches chords.
    Love, Kate

  2. WOW! What a whirlwind of energetic gripping emotions and almost torturous searching. My body recognizes the visceral sense of this journey. Home. Thank you for these profound words.

  3. Some veiled part of me recognizes those first few lines… I feel her tug as I read your words.

    And the remaining lines so evocative! Thank you, Rachel, for sharing so beautifully.

  4. I felt “ahhh” and recognition in my body as your words flowed by. Now I rest in this opening created by this way of seeing myself. thank you!

  5. Oh Rachel, how I wish that I could offer a gentle, gentle hug to that beautiful person and the expression of your experience. Truly amazing words to express only This. Thank you for allowing us in. Rachel, it has been such a delight to get to be with you in YN and PBH. Much love.

  6. How beautiful that words can capture and then free the images of experience. All of those tiny facets flashing bright and large, then passing…
    Well done, done well. Thank you for this.

  7. Rachel,
    You bless us with your vunerable self/heart. Thank you so much. May we all continue to open or not open to blessings.
    Much love,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *